Strange Currencies

The Internet has changed so much in our lives; who knew it could change language also?  One of my daily rituals with this website is to log into the user panel and see if anybody’s left feedback on my ramblings.  Generally there’s a good 8-10 responses logged, and if I’m lucky one of those responses will actually be from a person who actually read it.  The rest of them are always spam and likely spambots, but I like to think that they are some Nigerian Royalty or Phillipino child laborer passionately trying to help me score a cheap knock-off Rolex or Ugg Boots or Viagra.

Newsflash: If I really want cheap knockoff illegal merchandise, Canal Street is a subway ride away.  And furthermore; who actually reads an email about cheap Viagra and actually say “hey, that sounds like a good deal!”  There has to be at least a couple out there to make the mass spamming cost effective.  There’s more than six billion people on earth; if only one tenth of one per cent of the people on the planet actually respond to the spam and buy the cheap Viagra, that’s still 16,743,135.1 totally gullible morons out there who I should really track down and pitch an “exciting investment opportunity” to.  And if you accept the fact that the percentile of absolute fucking morons on earth are in the forty to fifty per cent range, well, clearly those spammers aren’t going out of business anytime soon.

So yes, I clean out the spam and curse you all for reading these posts and not responding to them (seriously, help a brother out, ‘kay?), but damn it all, I can’t get angry at them … just check out the absolute BRILLIANCE of this work of genius.  I wish I could write something this profound:

Ultimately, I founded the expertise I was looking out for. We have been holding out due diligence on this topic, and for four days I preserve obtaining web-sites which are supposed to possess what I am hunting for, only to be disappointed working with the don’t have of what I wished. I wish I could have discovered your site sooner! I had about 25% of what I applied to get in need of and your web page has that, plus the rest of what I important to end my studying. We now have activated to this site right here I like that you will observe authentic report written content that you’ll be capable to hardly find out elsewhere. One beneficial point, you perhaps can receive nevertheless these types of weblogs, ensure you go on! I can no extended see the well-known media. It may be there a lot rubbish printed, I bear it no significantly much more quickly. A certainly pleasant weblog and good write-up. I shell out days inside the planet huge world-wide-web learning blogs, about tons of quite a few subjects. I should original of all give kudos to whoever founded your web sites and second of all to you for composing what i can only describe as an post. I honestly feel there’s a capacity to writing articles or web site blogposts that only several posses and frankly you may have it. The mixture of interesting and exceptional content material is unquestionably exceptionally tight utilizing the massive volume of web round the on the net world.Usually retain a extremely excellent give good final results!”

“Extremely excellent give good final results?”  Damn that could be the most positive review of anything I’ve ever done ever.  It’s also comforting that what I write here “ should give kudos to whoever founded your web sites and second of all to you for composing what I can only describe as an post.”  Well my friend it certainly is “an post” and I’m glad it touched you in that special place and in that special way.

Isn’t that amazing?  It’s like some weird beat poetry.  If I was motivated enough to make an asshole out of myself (at least in public – I do a good enough job of that here), I’d don a black turtleneck and traipse down to the Village to one of those open mic night/poetry slams and read that fucking thing in front of a crowd. It’s the written equivalent of trying to deal with Hewlett Packard’s customer service; they try so damn hard to convince you that they’re not in some call center in Mumbai but in the good ol U S of A like you, and as anxious to give you advice that won’t help you one bit as they are about talking about “that sporting match on the telly the other day, y’all.”

It’s actually quite charming and the fact the spam doesn’t annoy me as much as it should is because of that Dali-esque prose that’s somewhere between Dylan Thomas three seconds before face-planting outside the White Horse Tavern, and Ziggy Stardust.

But spam doesn’t have to be the annoyance we so often let it be.  Back in the early 00’s – the Oughties — my spam folder would fill up with messages from around the world.  The messages were always deleted but not before I looked over the names of the senders, because a lot of the fictitious names posted were, to a writer’s ear, great character names that I would appropriate and use in my own work.  Two of the characters in RoboCop Prime Directives – Ed Hobley and Sandra Smyles – were spam names.  The unproduced Black Christmas screenplay I wrote had Heather Roach and Charlie Stokes pulled from the world wide web and into what is widely regarded as one of the best unproduced remake screenplays ever.  Prior to RoboCop, my former writing partner and I drafted a treatment for what was to be a black comedy set in the funeral industry, which boasted spam worthy names like Dorianne Butters, Stan Talon, Lloyd Bangs and Joy Meadows … only in a couple cases they were real names of actual people who, for legal reasons, shall not be revealed.

So the fact that one “Douglass Medus” took the time to write —

I’m thankful for this beneficial brilliant page; this could be the variety of subject that sustains me though out the day.We’ve often heard been not long ago looking close to inside your web-site ideal immediately after I noticed about these from a near good friend and was delighted when I was in a very placement to acquire it adhering to looking out for some time. Being a enthusiastic blogger, I’m happy to view other people today taking effort and including to the neighborhood. I just wanted to remark to demonstrate my comprehending for a upload because it is particularly inviting, and many writers do not get the credit score they have earned. I’m optimistic I’ll be back again once again and can send a couple of of my friends.

— means that Douglass is totally being written into the screenplay I’m polishing up for presentation.  Hell with a name like Douglass Medus, he should be the goddamn hero of the tale.  He won’t get me to release any information on my credit score, but he can be content in the knowledge that he’s about to be immortalized in screenplay format.  You’re welcome, Douglass.  You’re so welcome.

And to “Rodrigo Poage” and “Cordia Blakeney” – keep smiling, sunshine, ‘cause you’re next.

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About Brad

I'm the author of MAGICIANS IMPOSSIBLE, writer and creator of MIXTAPE, the screenwriter of STONEHENGE APOCALYPSE, ROBOCOP PRIME DIRECTIVES, and FRESH MEAT. My television work includes THE CANADA CREW, NOW YOU KNOW, and I LOVE MUMMY.